A different viewpoint...

March 8, 2005 Edition

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Health Promotions Adds Indoor Kayaking

Health Promotions took advantage of the flooding from Frances to add a new exercise program--indoor kayaking, as seen at right.

Shown in the Health Promotions waterway (usually a hallway), is an unidentified kayaker who was unhappy with normally kayaking in Kraut Creek. "I just love jumping the the rain buckets," he said as he dodged drips from the still-on fluorescent fixtures.

It is hoped that the program will continue with flooding from future tropical systems.

The source of the headwaters was a new sidewalk just completed before the arrival of Frances. The brickwork was laid in sand that was put in what was essentially a concrete canal pointed downhill at the area over the Health Promotions dungeon. Duh.

In an unrelated project, an ASU official is seen below examining the new marble skateboard ramp installed near the Administrative Palace.

ASU Thwarts Efforts of Faculty to Save Money on Purchases

Faculty who loaned money to the state via petty cash purchases were reprimanded for actually trying to save money by buying needed items at sale prices at the local Staples instead of using the online Staples ordering system, where prices are higher. "We can't have faculty actually saving us money," said Bill Rankings, chief of the newly renamed Materials Management department.

Alumni Development System to Migrate to Banner

The management of the data base on our graduates is being moved to the Banner software system. Banner has been such a tremendous success and smooth transition for the financial records system that it was a no-brainer to move the ADS. Literally.

With apologies to Scott Adams...

New Administrator Getting a Grip on Toilet Paper Problem

In order to save money the administration made a sweet deal on toilet paper that is slightly too long, causing its use to be a two-handed affair. Some faculty and staff are reportedly driving home to use their toilet because it is actually faster and easier than pulling paper off the binding rolls at ASU. In response to the issue, the administration has taken its usual tactic of creating a new cabinet position to deal with the problem. The new Ass. V.C. of Concerns Regarding A Paper Problem is onto the problem already. Speaking via his secretary from his spacious suite, Dr. I. P. Freely said that we will simply remove the restrooms since the staff is driving home now anyway.

Will Paper Towel Dispenser Replacement Set New Record in New Library?

Library staff are excited to see how soon after they move into their new building that the paper towel dispensers will be replaced with ugly new ones like the one shown at right in the second floor faculty/staff restroom in CAP. Geez--you could lose your right shoulder while trying to use the sink!

Administration officials said they have to change paper towel vendors every year at the whim of state contracts, forcing new dispensers to be added. For the soap dispensers it is about the same--the scars due to the first one being pried off are visible in the image at right, as well. "We can't actually just find a product we like and stay with it," said the V.C. who wished to remain anonymous. "In fact, we make it a point to strive for a paper towel that actually does not absorb any water at all, saving money since nobody will actually try to use the towels."

It was noted that the restrooms in the Administration building each have two (yes, 2), matching paper towel dispensers.

Newly Announced Program So Obscurely Described Nobody can Figure Out What it Is

The newly announced workshop, "Parakeet Pedagogy and Writing: The Syllabus and Assignments," has baffled all who received the email announcement. We at the Seen have no clue what issues of parakeetness have anything to do with a curriculum. Program coordinator Perry Keeter explained that many teaching activities have subtle effects that target parakeets. See the first issue of the Seen for a story on related concerns.

Park Place Dining Facility Takes Diet Control to a New Extreme

Feeling that a rabbit-food salad meal was not drastic enough to cut weight, Food Services has now added a listing of low-carb items found in the salad bar. Their next plan is to offer a water bar, with special listings of low-carb water entrees for those really trying to cut back. For another viewpoint on the low-carb fad, see Tom's Rants at BooneRestaurants.com

This site is not an official voice of Appalachian State University, but merely a light-hearted look at the news. The people, places, creatures, corporations, and institutions in this scene are fictitious: any resemblance to actual people, places, creatures, corporations, or institutions is strictly coincidental. No animals, especially administrators or parakeets, were harmed in its production.

Previous Editions

Click here to see the first Edition of the Seen

Click here to see the January 14, 2004 Edition of the Seen

Click here to see the March 9, 2004 Edition of the Seen

Click here to see the April 20, 2004, 2004 Edition of the Seen